Positivity: Girl (trash) talk

Positivity.

One of the reasons (amongst a few I won’t go into now) I took a break from Facebook and other online media/news sites at the end of last year was to see if avoiding reading lots of indirectly and directly negative posts would actually make me feel more positive about things. That doesn’t mean I don’t worry when my friends are going through tough times, or having a rant and need some virtual support but whilst aimlessly scrolling through my social media about 100 times a day I started to notice I paid more attention to negativity and cri than funny or happy things both from people I follow and media outlets.

What I also noticed was how much negativity and criticism was directed at women, by women. Where are all the updates celebrating amazing women just doing what they’re doing and doing it well – not conforming to societies expectations. From complaining about colleagues, celebrities and people we hardly know to criticising women solely for how they look it seems we’re at the point where it’s acceptable to be aggressive, vicious and just plain rude – as long as it can rake in a ‘you ok Hun? X’ or a few ‘I just can’t’ (what does that even mean?!) in the comments section.

Just to clarify; I wouldn’t describe myself as a ‘Positive beam of light’. I swear a lot, I’m guilting of complaining about other people to my girlfriends and I can rant just as aggressively as the next person so I certainly don’t think I’m morally floating on an angelic cloud above anyone else. However, if you’ve shown bad manners or a bad heart then like Liam Neeson, I won’t forget you.

What I do struggle with is the added weight of online judgement and criticism when we’re expected to have a good job, be in a relationship, to have kids, invisible periods and a nearly hair free body at all times. (A ridiculous expectation, especially at this time of the year).

Without trying to channel the goddess that is Beyoncé, I just don’t think we’re good enough at being positive about our gender sisters. The world still puts huge challenges in the way of us like being equally successful in the workplace and being able to complain without being described as a ‘bitch’, I feel like we weaken our position when we publicly criticise our own gender for such superficial reasons. I’m guessing that we’re all our worst critic at times so seeing women degrade, criticise and judge other women is saddening and makes me feel like social media has helped us take a huge step back away from a functioning society.

This isn’t a feminist soapbox statement, it’s far more shallow than that. It’s more of a challenge to see if by celebrating, applauding, complimenting or just being bloody nice to others in turn makes us feel more positive as women and more positive about ourselves. Because we’re pretty amazing despite what the stereotyping, UniLad memes, Lad bible type sites suggest. And let’s not forget the glossy mags which are the worst offenders; ‘who wore it better’ and ‘what were they thinking?’ – heaven forbid they were thinking, ‘I feel awesome tonight, I’m going to wear that same dress Miranda Kerr has because it makes me feel great!’

Does anyone else feel like we’ve become experts at criticising ourselves and others and terrible at sending out positive vibes?

Taking charge of your health: Dr Google and knowing your own body

We all have those situations where we replay it again and again and if we could go back we would do things so very differently after growing up and having the time to construct the perfect reply.

When I was around 21 I started to get a few symptoms, niggles and just an idea that something wasn’t quite right with my hormones. I knew the symptoms of PCOS – high five Victoria Beckham for your 90’s openess – and thought, whilst I definitely wasn’t planning a family I thought there might be other reasons why I should probably know now rather than later what I was dealing with.

So, being the confident student I was, or believed I was, I skipped along to my GP, made an appointment and waiting to see the locom who was covering my GPs clinic for a few weeks.

As I explained my worries to the doctor, explained my painful skin, my emotions being a terrifying rollercoaster (confirmed by others around me) and getting pains that had left me on the floor I mentioned that I thought I was showing signs of PCOS, from what I’d read.

The scoffing face told me this wasn’t going to go how I thought. Rather than asking me any questions the Dr told me I was being hysterical. She said I was young and things are all over the place and that I needed to stop reading silly stuff on the Internet. I was shocked and I think that stopped me from immediately arguing so after what felt about 2 minutes I was in the car park driving home.

When I got home I was so frustrated, I wasn’t any clearer what was wrong, I hadn’t even been listened to and I felt like I’d been treated really badly when it had taken a lot to go there on my own and ask what might be wrong. I told my mum and her being awesome agreed she’d come back with me if I made another appointment. She told me I was sometimes a bit full on if I thought I knew something and maybe I hadn’t put my worries across enough. I totally disagreed with her by was grateful she would come with me as I needed someone else to see how dismissive this Dr had been.

By the next appointment things had got a lot worse, I was feeling a lot more poorly and was starting to really worry what was wrong. Mum walked in with me and we sat down but before I could say anything the Dr turned to my mum and said, ‘I’ve already told her this is a waste of time and she needs to stop reading all that rubbish’. I was 21 years old and she didn’t even have the decency to speak directly to me. I was so angry and worked up I just couldn’t hold back the tears. Rather than be comforting the Dr told my Mum I should try to stop getting so hysterical, that if I really wanted to say something then go home and write her a letter. She didn’t address me directly at all and I think my Mum was shocked that everything is said was absolutely true. Sobbing in her office she turned me away again without any further investigation.

Long story short, after dismissing us without any investigation or help I got a 2nd opinion from another doctor there who not only confirmed my suspicions of PCOS but also found I had a huge cyst ready to pop that was making me really ill.

If I play it back, I have so many things I’d love to say and do, I’d love to have complained about her, made her see that she made a very bad decision but mainly that her job is to help people to feel better and at 21 I was nearly finished at uni, a grown woman and knew my own mind and her dismissal of my concerns was extremely dangerous.

If I ever need a reminder to trust my gut or my instincts then it’s that – and I definitely won’t allow that to happen again.

Check me out, literally: Hashimoto’s and hypothyroidism first endocrinologist appointment

So it’s been a little while since an update on the Hashimoto’s and hypothyroidism front.

One big change is that I’ve met with my Endocrinlogist and he’s put a plan together for monitoring me and working out how to keep my TSH in check.

I had know idea what to expect at the appointment. I’d been weighed and my blood pressure checked by the nurse then after about 15 minutes was called into the room by a kind eyed gentleman who introduced himself as my Dr and super throud expert!

After asking some basic questions about my medication, health history, symptoms and past test results he asked if he could perform some of the physical examination which I’ll admit made me instantly panic he’d try to reach in and check my throid through my throat as I couldn’t see any other way he was going to check hormones unless he had X-ray vision!

Instead he asked me to stretch out my arms and my fingers in front of me for about a minute. He looked close at my hands. Then into my eyes as I stared at a point on the wall – bear with me, it’s not getting weird I promise- ok a little weird- then he felt my throat (the outside) and squeezed gently around what I now believe is my throid to check for swellings, lumps and irregularities. He did get me to stretch out my hands and fingers again which made me wonder if Hashi’s or Hypo’S traditionally have webbed fingers (I don’t, btw) but apparently it’s to check for tremors or other unexpected irregularities.

Thankfully he confirmed everything seemed fine however we then got onto the topic of the thyroxine and whether that had ‘improved things’. I find this question tricky as for a long time I didn’t know anything was wrong so that was my normal. I mentioned that I’d felt like my current dose of thyroxine seemed to be doing the trick and that I was less anxious but my Dr wasn’t sure if this was directly related to the pills or to other changes in my life.

We agreed to see how it went and as I’m going to be monitored every 4 weeks now I’m hoping I see whether the dose changes in line with how in feeling.

I’ve been doing as much research as I can on Hashi’s and Hypothyroidism and I think that there’s potentially a real risk to my wellbeing but that if the dose and treatment is right, I can almost forget about it. The damage it can do is serious but it’s my responsibility now to not let my body go without this important little hormone that it needs.

So, the diabetes clinic (where the thyroid doctor resides) is going to become my second home.

 

Balance: how to not fall?

As a result of many, many, many appointments with various medical professionals, all wonderful in their varied and clever fields, I’m a little clearer on the importance of balance. Specifically for my own health and wellbeing.

Balance is sometimes used to describe the danger of a lethal Monday morning hangover when you have a big presentation to deliver and you’re struggling to remember you password to log onto your laptop.

It’s also used when you see a friend or relative with so much on their metaphoric plate you worry they’re reaching their limit; this time the phrase is normally used by other people to suggest they need some (always unachievable) balance.

For me, there’s another kind of balance that knocks me sideways and creates a strange sense of ‘not feeling right’, or feeling a bit ‘run down’ – something that sounds a little like an excuse but I now know there’s actually a term for it.

What I’ve recently found out is that this lack of balance isn’t all in my head – it’s my hormones that are out of balance and because of that, they’ve created  a chain reaction meaning I’m generally feeling a little all over the shop (read sh**ty).

Hormones are complicated things. The terms thrown around by men and at women to explain aggressive, emotional and completely normal behaviour. They are actually the magic ingredient to ensuring our bodies do a whole range of incredible functions and processes meaning each hormone is vital and needs to be released at the right time and in the right amounts.

We’re not just talking PMT here – although that’s an amazing function in itself – but for me, it’s the tiny, butterfly shaped gland at the front of my throat that’s causing all trouble. Meet, my under-active thyroid gland.*

*if you type underactive into an iPhone it immediately changes it to underachiever; I think that’s more accurate anyway for my own thyroid*

So thyroids release TSH, a fairly crucial to ensuring a huge amount of other functions happen in your body. They convert from one type to another and are tested in all different weird and wonderful ways. I’m extra lucky in that as well as my thyroid being underactive, it’s also being attacked by my immune system which thinks it’s an invader! Yay!

Hashimoto’s disease is the proper term for it but essentially there’s no treatment, you just have to take synthetic thyroxine and look after yourself being careful of your diet.

I have been, and it’s taken a long time, but I now have balance and I’m a different person. I see how important it is to look after yourself before you can look after other people. I know that although I love gin as if it was an elderly relative (it has all the answers and if not, it’s just great to be around) I can’t have a lot without needing to restore some balance the next day.

It may seem simple but I feel like it can be applied much wider. Balance is needed in everything we do, if we consume Netflix, our phones, screens and podcasts our bodies deserve a little balance of fresh air. To recharge and not burn out. The same with food, life has to be enjoyed. It’s a gift that not everyone is lucky to have long and balancing a cake with a salad is a wonderful luxury that I plan to enjoy!

If I become unbalanced then my hypothyroidism will remind me to slow down, and from now on I’m going to listen.

Have a lovely weekend. X

Hello darkness: ramblings of a busy mind

One of the more brilliant ironies about the anxious mind is the adventure it takes when the sun goes down.

Thinking, over-thinking, making mental lists, actively trying to calm your breath and faffing to create the perfect conditions for sleep is exhausting.

And you’re tired, and your eyes are heavy, and you start to worry about getting enough sleep, good quality sleep, the right temperature sleep and suddenly your mind is busier than when you went to bed.

You hysterically get further and further away from slumber and you’ve just mic-dropped in front of Alanis Morissette and her bloody spoons.

Colour, draw and fold your way to calm

Its been a while since I posted but there’s been a lot going on. Happy events, some stresses and just life in general but I’m back to show you some of the new ways I’ve been calming myself on the rare occasions I have 10 minutes to myself.

1. Colouring Books

Colouring books have become a huge trend and now you can buy anything from Floral patterns, city landscapes and even Star Wars and Game of Thrones books! I find them totally relaxing and a chance to be creative. If you’re like me and struggle to know what colours to choose then Instagram is super and let’s you nose at other people’s handiwork. I use watercolour pencils or Crayola pens and never worry about going outside of the lines as life is way too short to worry about things like that! I try to either colour in silence or just with music on as I find this the best way to relax and calm my breathing, I also try and switch my phone on silent which is a good idea before bed anyway. Below are some of my collection, special shout out to my bestie who bought me the Hipster Book; its hilarious and a little close to home!!

2. Dot-to-dot

I don’t remember doing a lot of Dot-to-dots when I was little. I was a very easily distracted child (see my previous post) and that meant I found those types of activities frustrating and far too long so avoided them generally. Now I’m grown up however It turns out I’ve become completely addicted!! This book by Emily Wallis is beautiful, elegant, almost veering on an illustrators take on graphic design and I am totally hooked. Each pretty design has taken me about 20/25 minutes (although the book suggests 15) and I can never really tell what it’s going to be until halfway through which I love. What you’re left with is a beautiful image that you’ve (sort of) drawn yoursel and if you’re feeling really creative can then colour in! I do find you need good light and to be fairly awake as it takes a bit more concentration than colouring but I’m sure committed ‘colour in-ers’ will love dor-to-dot too!

3. Origami – the art of paper folding!

Lastly is the newest addiction to my paper activities! Origami is something I have started to see more of and there’s lots of books and YouTube videos to choose from. (My fav is ‘Tavin Origami Instructions’, his Raven tutorial is currently my Everest!)

This book by Ioana Stoian has a garden theme and includes the paper to get you started which I really liked. It has a patterned and a blank side which, trust me on this, you’ll be grateful for when you’re doing you 46th fold and it’s starting to resemble wrapping paper on Boxing Day! I’m not sure if it’s the delicate nature, the fact that it’s physically relaxing to fold and fold and fold or the absolute pride you feel when you’ve made a flower from a scrap of paper but I’ve really enjoyed trying origami. I’ve not made a huge amount yet but I’ve started to look up some of the history behind the art and it’s a lot more meditative than I realised. If you so decide to give it a try, happy folding!

*They’re meant to be cranes*

I’d love to know if you have tried any of these or if you have any other recommendations for similar types of relaxing activities. Leave me a comment below or tag me in Instagram so I can see your handiwork!

Have a lovely weekend x

 

Concentration or lack of – symptomatic or a result of the times?

I know that my Mum has started reading my blog (Hey Mama!), and that she will vouch for the fact that I have always been extremely bad at concentrating, on anything. From television programmes, puzzles and games to activities, hobbies and even some conversations (I know that’s terribly rude!) I have struggled to concentrate on just one thing at a time.

There are 2 sides to concentration as I see it. One is the concentration on an immediate situation or train or thought and the other is the concentration or commitment to something over a longer period of time.

I’d like to point out, as somewhat of a disclaimer, that I’ve separated this from boredom. Although I can never concentrate on anything for too long I’ve never had a problem with being bored as I can usually think of roughly 10 things I’d like to be doing st any one time. (Probably a huge part of the problem).

What I have noticed is that for me, there’s a real connection between my lack of concentration and how anxious and tired I feel. Rather than drifting off into a daze like many of us have done is a tedious class at school I find that my lack of concentration is more driven by the flood of conflicting or distracting thoughts and worries that my mind insists on processing all at the same time and it’s really exhausting.

I really struggled with meditation apps to begin with as the idea of clearing your mind and drifting off into a meditative state was so far from me that I was getting anxiety from not being able to do it!

A basic example I can give is when I’m checking my emails at work after I’ve come back from leave. They are in nearly the triple numbers and rather than methodically work through them one by one I find myself half answering, opening a tab to check our team system, making a call to get a progress update on a project and then feeling irritated that my emails aren’t disappearing.

Rather than approaching tasks with 100% concentration and completing them my stress levels increase until I’m really not doing anything productive at all!

Its like with puzzles; I hated them as a child because the pressure of the task, the length of time it would take and the fact that there were other thoughts on my mind that I couldn’t enjoy it because I was barely even thinking about doing it. (The vicious circle is a recurring theme here)

Rather than giving things my absolute best  I would give a half-arsed, distracted attempt and then be frustrated with the shoddy outcome.

I’m well known to be someone who picks up a new hobby each month and never continue with it. (The violin, sewing machine, exercise ball and French textbooks hiding under the sofa are excellent examples!) Again, because I never fully committed or gave it my all I never experienced the end goal, that sense of achievement or completion.

I want to read all the books suggested in Emerald Street, I want to watch all the shows to get the referenced in the Hello Giggles post and if there’s a new super food out there, dammit I’ll be eating it for tea that night! It’s also the same for more all-consuming things like weight loss, personal goals and big life decisions that affect you and others around you.

The huge list of to do’s for a 30 something, as anxious 30 somethings know, is totally exhausting and tiredness is a concentration killer which makes things a a vicious circle.

I’ve realised that by starting to increasing my concentration I’ll also help my mind to focus, stop trying to process lots of things simultaneously and hopefully enjoy experiences fully without giving up just because it’s hard.

Concentration in this age is waning because the world moves so fast but our minds continue to function the same. just because our phones can do a million things at once doesn’t mean our minds should.

I think it’s time to go back to the basics of doing, enjoying and finishing things with the care, attention and concentration that my mind and I deserve.

This was a bit of a ramble but I think there’s some irony in that somewhere….

Book club: 2016 reading challenge

A club, where you discuss the books you’ve loved, hated, are yet to read, yet to finish and may never read? Where discussions take place in pretty café’s over cake and lashings of tea followed by shopping for more books and beautiful stationery? Yes! I love my book club!
Ok, so taking it back a few months to the queue for the writing seminar hosted by the brilliant Laura Barnett at Stylist Live in London; where 2 people meet over an ambition to write a novel and the fact that the friends we came with are queuing for something else entirely, our book club was formed. So I suppose we have Laura to thank for bringing us together?

Yes, a club can be just 2 members because that’s the joy of book club, the rules are very simple; it’s whatever we need it to be at the time. I’ll go into more detail about our little book club later but one of the things we’ve been doing is working towards the Pop Sugar 2016 reading challenge. Originally we were going to do it separately but as it’s now April and we’ve not made huge progress we’ve teamed up and will attempt the challenge together.

If you want to try the Pop Sugar Reading Challenge yourself then take a look!
Below is a stack of the books I’ve read or at least started and my reviews so far.

I want to be calm by Harriet Griffey (Self Help Book)
This is a wonderful, practical book full of infographics, tips that I haven’t read anywhere else and a more scientific approach to anxiety than the usual cliché advice that many offer. It’s a quick read, a great reference and the kind of book I would revisit when I needed to.
3 and a half stars

Reasons to stay alive by Matt Haig (Autobiography)
This book wasn’t at the top of book charts for no reason. It’s raw, honest, brave and hit home for myself and I know lots of other people. If I could suggest a book for friends and family to read to get the most accurate understand of what it’s like to suffer from anxiety or depression, it would be this one.
5 stars

The particular sadness of lemon cake by Jodi Picoult (Book with a blue cover)
I read this book during a rather long train journey at the start of the year. It’s about a girl who discovers she can sense people’s emotions through food; the good, the bad and the heartbreaking. The concept is quite a good one but it’s just appalling. It’s very dull, obvious and one of my worst reads in a long time. Unfortunately I can’t not finish a book (eventually) so I did finish it but it was a struggle.
.5 stars (that’s being generous)

Is everyone hanging out without me? By Mindy Kaling (Book written by a comedian)
I’ve been desperate to read Mindy’s books since becoming obsessed with Mindy (off of the Mindy Project), Kelly from The Office and discovering her instagram. I wasn’t disappointed; Mindy is funny, observant, intelligent, honest about her passions and interests and gave an account of having an Indian parent(s) so brilliantly that I laughed out loud on the tube.
4 stars

Cider with Rosie by Laurie Lee (Book recommended by a friend or family)
This book was recommended to me by my brilliant Grandad. It was his favourite book and he told me about how he’d bought a copy for my Grandma as a gift so I knew, at some point in the future I would read it. It was tough going because the language, the dialect and the references were quite unfamiliar to me but reading about Laurie Lee’s life, his experiences and thinking about how my Grandad loved the book made this a really emotional read. It’s brilliant, I’d recommend it and it really holds a place in my heart now.
5 (very biased) stars

Matilda by Roald Dahl (French version)

Its been tough going but I’m working my way through the French translation of Matilda. I read the book when I was young but it’s been brilliant practice for my tenses and adjectives despite the fact I’m still looking up a word every paragraph!

3 stars

I’ve identified another list of books (some shown below) that meet some of the categories but over Christmas I was gifted with lots of brilliant books so I’m going to make my way through the following and hopefully they’ll fit against a few more of the categories.

Are you attempting a reading challenge this year? Have you read any of the books mentioned or do you have any suggestions for the remaining categories? I’d love to hear!

 

My (sort of) bullet journal: set up

After being inspired by BohoBerry, Sarah and a few others, I decided to set up a bullet journal (of sorts).

http://www.bohoberry.com/bullet-journal/ http://thecoffeemonsterzco.wix.com/thecoffeemonsterzco http://www.tamingtwins.com/2016/04/05/bullet-journal-love/

I’ve nearly always had a diary and found that although I’m not really (ironically) a list type of person; I love the written word and feel more organised, inspired and calm when I write things down. (I’m also an absent-minded doodler of fonts and shapes, I blame that for my bad maths GCSE grade).

I loved the flexible nature of a bullet journal or diary and that ultimately it can be whatever you want it to be.

*Disclaimer – my bullet journal doesn’t focus on daily calendar spreads; it’s way too intense for me to log my water intake or the number of squats I did in a day. Plus in a way, that structure or pressure is what I want to avoid. The priority is creativity space, prompts for what to read or save up money for and a log of positive, calming, happy things that I can doodle until I feel calm.

So below is the layout i’ve used for the first month of my bullet journal. It’s a total work in progress and I love looking at what other people have done and for inspiration for how I’m going to change things next month. Some people are so talented, I don’t know that I’ll ever be a crafty person like my Mum but I invested in some extortionate Washi tape and I’m going to use it!

This seemed to be an appropriate notebook for this project

The only page I’m not happy with but I haven’t found a better layout yet.

Future plans (think small and achievable – it’s only a month after all.) A monthly overview is enough organisation for me. My iPhone calendar handles all the specifics. *spoiler alert – tmi*

2 of my favourite spreads – things I want to do and people who inspire me to do them. (No idea if there is a Buddhist meeting anywhere near me!)

Happy thoughts! Cheesy but happy.

Work/ reading and watching aka book club topics!

This page is going to be done once the month is over.

#operationCHILL – time for a change

*Cue ‘Man in the mirror’ – belting it at the top of your lungs like a lunatic because you’ve realised you’ve been making things harder than they need to be!*

#operationCHILL (more like Chillout ) – not the best name, I realise that, but it does the job and despite it also being the name of a Police project for kids somewhere on Instagram just bare with me; this is attempting to go somewhere.

I think a lightbulb went off in my head over the weekend which made me look at some things with a totally new perspectic and realise I’ve been taking a lot for granted recently.

Sometimes when we’re going through a rough time it’s easy to dwell only on the things that aren’t working out how we want or that are causing us stress and that immediately sucks out the happiness from anything good.

I suppose in the simplest way I’ve spent so long worrying about things that I’ve forgotten how to relax and just enjoy things – even when plans change or fall through, I have a terrible day at work or if my Husband and I fall out. It really isn’t the end of the world.

So back to what will probably be a temporary title for this attempt at changing my attitude and discovering ways to Chillout, relax and smile without worrying about the ‘what ifs’ – at least for a little while.

I started off slow – I didn’t want to get all 1st January about things, that’s just setting an unrealistic expectation for my commitment but I did relax after work and re-discover why we moved where we did. It really is pretty at dusk.

Today was a good day. We walked and talked and ate too much food and saw the sunset over this place that’s now our home and I felt very lucky to be in this place with this person. Tomorrow has a lot to live up to.